Stay of execution or more anticipation... either way, it's killing me

So, as some of you know, I was on a week long holiday this past week. It was very very much needed. I was exhausted, overworked, and stressed out. I didn't do anything in particular with this week off. I cleaned a bit (not enough), I baked a bit (not too much), I had a few tennis matches (getting back into the swing... ha), I slept a lot... I remained slightly stressed out. But I certainly don't really feel like going back to work tomorrow.

As slightly more of you know, last Wednesday RCPI announced their 1st round offers for SHO. The emails came out in the early evening, well after the close of normal business hours. I was expecting that. But it didn't make the wait any easier. I have 3 very brief things to say about the results. 1) I did get a job offer, and I've accepted provisionally depending on the 2nd round. 2) While it took a few hours (and maybe a few drinks) to get my head around it, no matter what happens in the 2nd round, I'm happy with the job I have (or with whatever I may get). 3) The number of people that did not get an offer in the 1st round was shocking. I have a few friends that didn't get any offers, which is insane. They are ridiculously qualified individuals. And I have more friends that didn't get anything near their higher picks, some of whom truly deserve it.

So now we wait again... I feel like the next two weeks will pass a bit faster than the past few, and some of that is anticipating the job change in April. I need a change of scenery (and my apologies to John, I wish you had the same impending relief). The heart-wrenching thing is that with everything that's been going on in the past three weeks, there's one person that I keep wanting to tell, wanting to talk to... And I can't. It's not even that I'm angry, I'm just disappointed... It makes me sad... It makes my heart hurt.

So I've been distracting myself as best I can. I'm starting to study again (so much for the one year of no study), I've been playing more tennis than usual with 3 matches or drill per week. We had team tennis finals just this Thursday (go The Who!... yeah, we won), and I made little tennis ball cupcakes for the after party (bit messier than my normal work, but people loved them anyway). And in my head, I'm preparing myself for a massive change in July... Massive. But I'm not sure it's coming. I will wait on April 13th before committing to it fully. But change is on the way...

Like a top

Day 1 into my week off... I've half cleaned my kitchen, done 2 loads of laundry, gotten a much needed haircut, had a fight with my scanner, coffee with Sinead, and baked my first trial of cinnamon rolls (not exactly cinnabon, but damn close). It was a labour of love, and the recipe had to be modified, because I don't really know what they meant by "bread flour" (... not to be confused with plain flour which was also called for), and they don't really "do" margarine here in Ireland. Also, I don't have a kitchen-aid mixer yet. YET. And they suggested that it was necessary for the frosting. As per the above picture, I strongly disagree. My frosting tastes fantastic, and it was hand mixed (as is everything else I make at the moment). All these recipes that require dough to rise for an hour, then to be rolled/cut and prove again... It's a trial for me. I don't like waiting. INSTANT GRATIFICATION!

Now comes the important question... I've only filled the first 24 hours of what will probably be a 36 hour wait. What the hell am I going to do tomorrow?! My flat is going to be glistening clean. I'm going to sort a bunch of bank stuff. I'm going to "sleep in" as much as that's possible for me. But then what do I do after 11am tomorrow?! Waiting kills me. I feel like I'm getting wound tighter and tighter. It's giving me ulcers. This needs to be over. ... So here's another shot of yummy warm cinnamon rolls. Distraction.

Special booby prize

The longer I've been in Ireland, the less I've celebrated Paddy's day. I don't know if that's a product of me needing to be more responsible, of the time of year it falls, or of me just being old.

Two years ago, I was in Cavan on Paeds and spent the day studying... Mary and I did catch the tail end of the town parade and grabbed a few pints before cashing in.

Last year, the impending doom of exams had me staying in... And watching the entire boxed set of Father Ted while studying.

This year, I was balled up on the couch, dreading the fact that I was on call last night and suffering from a bout of food-poisoning, or noro, or repulsion.

I can't decide if what I had was food-poisoning or a 24hr bug. I did eat lunch in the canteen in Drog on Wed and exactly 8 hours later I was returning said food to the toilet. One point in favour of food-poisoning. But then again, I've been exceptionally stressed out the past two weeks. It's possible my weakened little immune system... wait, no, my hardened, over worked, super exposed immune system just kinda gave up. The good news is that I survived call in spite of vomiting up to about 4 hours before going on call, I did manage a small bowl of cereal before leaving for work, and I rehydrated without needing an IV bolus (though, Ben, I really was seriously considering it).

And now, post-call, post-ickiness, post "grown-up" Paddy's day, I get to start my week off... The only advantage of being on call yesterday night, I have Friday day off. Let the recovery begin.

Now accepting suggestions for de-stressing activities next week...

And in parting, here's a picture of the random ferris wheel outside my house. Oh the stuff that happens on Paddy's day.

Unacceptable vs. Unforgivable

I had planned to put up a post last weekend. But then I'd gone and left it for Sunday, and I was on call all day. And for anyone who hasn't experienced being on call at the end of the weekend... it sucks. So when I managed to drag myself home late Sunday night, I was in no mood to put up a post. To be honest, I'm not sure I am now. This week was horrendous. I would easily say this was the worst week I've had since I started in July and Tuesday is the worst day I've had... possibly in my life.

I'm not one prone to massive exaggeration, so bear with me here. I'm going to try to give it some context. I work on a rather large, combined team, medical service that provides, in addition to general medical hospital take, cardiology admissions, in hospital day case admissions, and overnight interventional transfer service. At full service ("full" in these recessional times), we have 2 consultants, 4 SPRs, 3 SHOs, and 2 interns (plus currently one very involved sub-intern who has been slaving to keep me from losing the plot... she is a star). That leaves a consultant, 1 or 2 SPRs, 2 or 3 SHOs, and both interns on the wards for the in-patient service. This past week, at best, we've been ranging at 1 consultant, 1 SPR, 1 SHO, 1 intern. I spent two days on my own on the wards from about 9-4... No Reg, no SHO... Needless to say, I've been in a few hairy situations that I'd rather not revisit. I've been working overtime that I'm never going to get paid. And I've been unduly criticized for holes in the work. I hated this week.

Things that are "Unacceptable":

• Leaving an intern alone to run an in-patient service.
• Belittling an intern for not doing a job that they've not been asked to do and is not in their job description (And thus are completely unaware of).
• Allowing an intern to lose confidence in their ability to practice medicine when they cannot fill-in for multiple missing people at once.
  
• Yelling at an intern in front of patients/staff/colleagues.

Things that are "Unforgivable":

• Doing all of the above at the same time.

... Dearest of dear consultants, this type of behaviour is the reason half of the intern class is planning on leaving. You will be short NCHDs for years to come. You will be sadly disappointed if you continue to expect interns to make up for missing SHOs (PS: especially if the hospitals continue to refuse to pay us).

This was the first time since I moved here that I thought, seriously and 100% thought about moving home... I thought about calling in sick because I was dreading the idea of being in work. I thought about quitting. I thought about yelling at my boss. I thought about refusing to do work while in work. And I imbibed more alcohol in the past week than I have in about a year... My current post is dangerously close to giving me an ulcer, or a drinking problem, or both.

On Tuesday, arguably one of the worst days of my life, I had 2 other separate blows. First, it was the day I needed to submit my preference form for SHO. I got home, 100% crushed, balled my eyes out, drank, tried to eat without throwing up, and then tried to figure out where I wanted to be for the next 2 years of my life, all the while battling the voice in my head that was screaming to just go home. I have not experienced such an evening in the better part of a decade, and the last time I had one of those, was in fact the worst day of my life. Thank you job... Second, I was seriously let down by a friend; nearly as soul crushing as the day...

Needless to say, I'm happy to see this week gone. Fuck you second week of March. Please accept my foot up your arse as a parting gift.

My holidays cannot come soon enough.