New Year's Music 2012

As per usual, I'm behind on my normal New Year's bits... I blame a lot of this on being on call from New Year's Eve until New Year's Day. The rest is pure laziness and switching jobs. So to kick it off, here's my New Year's Play list:

New Year's Music 2012:

1. Nothing Left to Lose - Mat Kearney
   [Somehow, this is how I felt coming into 2011. It's bittersweet. I was done with Surgery, I was heading to Drogheda, and I was shaking off some old hang-ups... very very slowly]
   
2. Crash and Burn - Lifehouse
   [Yes, I went to see Lifehouse at the Olympia. It was like a tour of old relationships. I hadn't realised how far back their music went in my life, and it brought up some feeling I hadn't felt in a long time. That being said, Feb was pretty damn dark in Ireland. Still pretty bittersweet. Still a little moody... hell, that's how I was.]
   
3. Skin and Bones - Foo Fighters
   [Some retro Foo, in honour of their new and fantastic album. But let's be honest, in retrospect, intern year is about getting stripped down to nothing and rebuilding. It's brutal. It's depressing. It's humbling. And if you survive it, you're stronger for it. I think it was in January that I bottomed out at my lowest weight, and it was probably March that I was emotionally destroyed. Sometimes you need that.]
   
4. My City of Ruins - Eddie Vedder
   [I avoided any Pearl Jam this year. Not that I wasn't enjoying their music. But Eddie makes an amazing cover of this song. Dedicated to Drogheda... a city of Ruins.]
   
5. Adolescents - Incubus
   [Incubus released a new album that is far more chill than their older music. But they rocked the roof off the house in Cardiff. It was a strange trip at a strange time. But I can't avoid keeping them in the album for 2012. Plus, the verse is very appropriate for early 2011. I felt as though I was always racing against some unknown deadline.]
   
6. Notbroken - The Goo Goo Dolls
   [This is in for a number of reasons, but if you haven't seen the video for this, it's totally worth the watch. Somewhere around April, I found a second wind that pulled me through the rest of my time in Drog. Maybe it was the people... ok, it totally was the people. But it's a good song.]
   
7. Rolling in the Deep - ADELE
   [Anyone that's ever felt like someone missed the boat, this song is amazing. I mean, Adele is fantastic, but it just manifests those feelings that you don't always speak aloud. So close... And yet so far... How stupid.]
   
8. Knots - Lisa Hannigan
   [This lady released another album in 2011. It's brilliant. But she sings in an effortless and haunting voice that I find intriguing. There's something to be said for emotional spring cleaning... It takes time to untangle things. Time and distance. So for those of you that were busy tying knots, I may have finally undone the mess you left.]
   
9. What You Think You Know - The Coronas
   [Another band that's released another fun album in 2011. I didn't go see them in Dec this year... mostly because I was afraid of a repeat of last year's power failure and rescheduled concert when I was outta town. That being said, I still think these guys put out a fun tune. With distance comes a certain callousness. A certain attitude. And you know what, I too am tired of what you think you know. (you know who you are)]
   
10. Dark Horses - Switchfoot
    [Still on my list of bands to go see, released another album in 2011... and again, not bringing their tour to Ireland. But Dark Horses is a throwback to the old rock that Switchfoot started with. And I'd say about May of intern year, this is the attitude we'd all developed. Somewhat angry, a bit jaded, and starting to become hopeful... Like, wow, there's a bit of light at the end of this tunnel.]
    
11. Monarchy of Roses - Red Hot Chili Peppers
    [These guys have been around for ages, and put out an interesting album this year. They did come to Ireland, and they'll be back in 2012... I'm not sure I'm a big enough fan to dish out the cash they're demanding though. Still, a bit of respect for the new music. They, in my mind, sound a lot like Incubus and Foo in this album... which we all know is music that I dig.]
    
12. Heaven - O. A. R.
    [It really took until May or June before I could adopt this mentality. Fuck this game. You know what, if you're going to keep changing these rules and running a shit game then I don't want to play. And guess what? Leaving crap games will make you feel better. Stop with the bullshit. Let it go. There are other people that will feel the same as you, and they're probably great people to be with. And if others have a problem, fuck them. No really... do it.]
    
13. Strip Me - Natasha Bedingfield
    [This was on super heavy play in March, but I really didn't get to the same feeling as the song until June. But, as per #12, once you get through all the bullshit, you feel so much better. It's how you feel when you shake off layers of crap and come out clean on the other side.]
    
14. Velcro - Bell X1
    [I can't remember when this was released, but I didn't stumble across it until 2011. Respect to Bell X1 for coming up with more random music styles that end up on my most played. Beyond that, there were people that kept me whole for the 6 months I was in Drogheda... And who tolerated me while I was there, and was less than myself, and kinda needy, and rather self pittying... These people know who they are. Thanks to my Velcro.]
    
15. Stay the Night - James Blunt
    [Not my normal choice here, but I have a few reasons for it. First, it's SOOO catchy. There's something retro about it, and it's peppy, and happy, and kinda cheeky to be so casual about a possible one night stand (not judging, just saying). But that being said, here's to making decisions that you may not normally make. Because sometimes they're the best ones you could make.]
    
16. Little Boxes - Malvina Reynolds
    [I have this in here for two reasons. 1) for the person who made me listen to it on a random day. 2) for the memory I have following it of him dancing in the kitchen while cooking. Makes me smile. Sometimes, it's good to be 'the man.']
    
17. Feeling Good - Muse
    [Still my favourite cover of this song. I think it was running through my head, if not through my car stereo when I left Drog for the last time... (or the last time until next time). And feeling like you've opened a new chapter in your life is really really refreshing.]
    
18. Called Out in the Dart - Snow Patrol
    [I'm also not a huge Snow Patrol fan, but this has the taste of Killers. I think it wasn't until Oct that I found a real groove in 2011. But this is how it feels to me to be in that space. It's kinda funky, and it makes random sense, and it's got a great rhythm, and it feels like celebrating. Welcome to the late fall of 2011.]
    
19. AKA... What a Life! - Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds
    [If there's someone in music that's an arrogant bastard, but has the balls to do stuff that maybe people shouldn't (but totally want to), Noel Gallagher is that man. Most of the time he's in the news I want to shake my head. But a strong nod to his new band and their album. I really dig it. I think it was more November before I was feeling this, but I had a great co-SHO (yeah, you're awesome... no lipid), I had a job that started to make sense, I had a great home life.]
    
20. Shake It Out - Florence + the Machine
    [Have to give a nod to the other redhead rocking out in 2011. For some reason, this makes me think of Sinead. There is no reason for this (or none that I can recall). But hey, here's to wrapping up the end of one year and getting ready to start another. I promised to leave some crap behind in 2011... I'm doing that. Shake it out, friends. Cause it's hard to dance with the devil on your back.]
    
21. Good Life - OneRepublic
    [Of all things, this makes me think of the Williams' reunion in June. But it was a great time. And I think this is the note I ended 2011 on. I am happy where I am. It doesn't have to be perfect, but it's gonna be a good life. :)   Roll on 2012.]

It's beginning to look a lot like...

At some point last week, the weather in Dublin turned. It has a certain bite to it. There's a frosty feeling (though, without the hazard/disaster snow of last year) and it has the smell of winter in it.

I'm over a short bout of gastro (I suspect it was thanks to back to back shifts in the A&E), and my man just got back from his trip home for Thanksgiving. You know what I did while he was gone? I cleaned and decorated. I've my Christmas decorations up in my flat, and now the baking is to begin. They'll be cookies and cake, and maybe a few extra specials on the side.

I have to start packing for home since I'm leaving on saturday, and I'm getting ready to do my Christmas cares as well. I love the holiday season. Now for some snow? If not in Dublin, I know there's some waiting for me at home in MN.

Must. Not. Bang. Head. Against. Wall.

Those of you residing in Ireland with me may understand where this is coming from. Those of you working in health care most likely understand exactly where this is coming from. And anyone who has ever been annoyed by an illogical loop of policy and stupidity will definitely know where this is coming from.

I just took a day off of work. (yeah... I know... Liz took a day off of work... Do both of her legs work?!). I worked 7 days straight, including 2 weekend shifts in the A&E spent dodging vomits and getting coughed on. Summed up, it sounds like this: bark bark bark bark cough whinge whaaaaaaah! sniff sniff wheeze bark bark wheeze PUKE! (yeah, that's a croup joke). I rolled home just after 11pm, ate a light snack, set my alarm so I'd get to work at 8.15am, tried to fall asleep... And the vomiting started around 12.30. I'm not going to be exceptionally graphic here, but I was miserably awake until 4am. Clearly when my alarm went off, I had to ring my co-worker and tell her that I wouldn't be able to come into work... And I felt guilty. With next to zero sleep, having been up sick all night long, probably dehydrated, definitely hypoglycaemic, and barely able to move, I felt guilty for not going into work.

I should take a moment to clarify that at present, I'm actually working for a neonatal service. I work with small babies. Small babies that are unvaccinated, because they are too young to have them yet... Prem babies, little babies, very sick babies... And I felt guilty not going into work. Why? According to my contract, if I have to miss more than 2 days due to illness, I need a doctor's note (yeah, I know, soak up the irony)... And I felt guilty taking one day.

Before further exploring this emotion, I need to discuss the last week and an email I've received. This past week, I have been at odds with one of my superiors. At odds is a nice way of putting that I completely disagree with the way they function at work. I have been pushed further and further out of my comfort zone as a doctor. It's been progressively worsening for the past month, and I feel as though I'm not learning, I'm just trying to keep my head above water as more and more work is poured onto my shoulders. Work that I'm neither competent to complete nor qualified to complete (nor am I paid to do)... I had to force my superior to do something they'd asked of me for "Medical-Legal" reasons. I have reached a breaking point when I have to throw down law to keep from doing work. (I won't get into the shifts I work... EU law be damned).

I also received an email from my medical union requesting I fill out a survey. The survey was focused on the working conditions and how to improve to keep the Irish trained doctors from leaving the country. (Spoiler alert: We leave because working conditions are shite and we are over worked, underpaid, and asked to do things that we've never been taught how to do. We aren't taught because all the seniors are overworked and filling the gaps of people that have left or been fired or are on maternity leave and the HSE can't be arsed to pay for cover.) Most of us work the jobs of two or three people, and yet we're expected to somehow take our annual leave, take our study leave, pass our exams, research and publish, and improve the system. You know what, feck off. SHOs burn out for a great many reasons... I've mentioned a few of them. And no, the other systems out there aren't perfect either, but I do know that if I were at home, I'd not have to move cities every 6 months for my jobs.

Now... with all of that, how could I ever, possibly, even minimally feel guilty taking a day off when I'm projectile vomiting for a night? Because I know that without me there, my co-worker will have to do her work AND my work. That anything I didn't do on Friday night will not only be waiting for me, but probably doubled in volume because there are things that can't be handed over to other people. Because there are patients that I've been seeing every day for a week and no one else knows them as well as I do. And because I am me... I've always felt guilty when my body isn't strong enough to do what I want it to do. For that last reason, I worry that I won't be able to remain in Irish medical system.

I will go back to work tomorrow. Just over 24hrs from the last time I vomited, I will go back to work. I have a 24hr rule, some places have a 48hr rule. There's nothing in writing right now that says whether or not I need to go back tomorrow or if I should take another day... Welcome to survival by the goodwill of your workers. But with the best and brightest leaving the country or burning out over the ridiculousness of demands, this system is on a road towards crash and burn. Maybe when I'm sick, I'm more cynical... Maybe I need more sleep... Maybe I'm just being bitchy. Who knows. But I needed a rant, and there it is.

Thanksgiving... Ex-pat styles

As an American, there is no holiday more universal than Thanksgiving. It is celebrated nationwide. It's a family holiday. It's a sports holiday. It's a shopping holiday. It's a 4-day weekend holiday that's notorious for travel (and delays). And in spite of the universality, it's celebrated uniquely in every home.

Many will describe a similar scaffold for the holiday:

• Wednesday: Travel, get stuck, dig out, get stuck again, travel more, arrive a little late...
• Thursday: Cook cook cook bake cook FOOTBALL! At some point, sit around a table, at multiple tables, at the adult table, at the kid's table, on the floor... wherever is comfortable, and EAT... 
• Friday: SHOP! It's black friday, you have to get going on those Christmas presents. Plus, there's more football on TV. And LEFTOVERS!
• Saturday: Uh... Football and Leftovers
• Sunday: More leftovers... more football... And it's time to pack up for travel back. Why does that always go smoother on the return trip?

Everyone has their own traditions. Their own habits. Their own recipes that make the holiday what it is. And it's something you cannot duplicate. And it's something I miss.

The holidays always leave me a little homesick. I haven't decided if knowing my family is together makes it easier or harder to be apart. But in my time away from home, I've learned a few things. Most importantly, you cannot do the exact same thing without the people. I once tried to replicate what my family does at home; that was a mistake that only left me feeling more miserable and further from home. I once had a group of ex-pats make a Thanksgiving dinner and take a small holiday... That too was a bit of a let-down. Sometimes the traditions from different families don't blend together very well.

For nearly a decade, a very generous donor (and member of the board of trustees) has hosted a Thanksgiving dinner for the Domers in Dublin. It's not the traditional Thanksgiving at home, it's not family style serving, it's not sweatpants or looser belts, it's not a beer and the game on TV. But I have to say, I enjoy the ND-Dublin Thanksgiving for all of those reasons. Rather than being in jeans and a sweatshirt, it's semi-formal attire. Instead of a giant bowl of mashed potatoes in the middle of the table, it's five-star fully catered dining. And while football is the normal background entertainment, a small talent show greased by the wheels of a champagne reception is a suitable replacement. I love the ND Thanksgiving because it isn't home. It is different enough not to try to be home. And the food... it's delicious. It's not exactly right, it's not what I'd be having at home, but it's close enough. And for five of the past six years in Ireland, I've been lucky enough to attend this Mass and Meal in celebration of Thanksgiving. And for that, I owe Mr. Martin Naughton a very large and heartfelt thank you. I do have to dash home from work, change clothes (put on something fancy), re-do my makeup and hair, then dash out to Mass. It's all very rushed. And I don't have Friday off work, so I can't make it too late of a night. But Dublin is my home (not that Minnesota is not home), and Mr. Naughton has helped me find a lovely way to have a comfort of home in a grand Irish way.

No offense to the Irish, Thanksgiving is a holiday that's very foreign. And I miss home. It's one of the most difficult holidays for an Ex-Pat... But I have so much to be thankful for. So much here, and so much back home.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Home sweet pasty legged fools :)

Just off the plane in Boston and I notice a few things in the first moments in the ol' US of A...

1) Americans = much more comfortable in shorts than the Irish. I was actually a tiny bit weirded out by the amount of leg I was seeing. Ps: Anyone not in shorts is in jeans. Maybe this is just Boston.

2) People I talk to when I travel often ask me if I'm heading home. I'm starting to find this a difficult question to answer. A few of my friends know that if I say "I'm going home." I mean my place in Dublin. But if I say "Home-home" I mean actually going to the States (which may not even be MN home, just State-side)... When did the definition of home become so complicated, and when does it start to make sense again?

3) American news stations... They have all lost the plot. I mean, really, all of them. Can someone please tell me what's going on in the world without completely covering with your taint (and yes, I mean that both ways). In addition, most of the politicians are also 8 shades of crazy.

4) If Amit thinks I'm loud and angry... He needs to visit the States more.