One year ago, a woman whom I deeply respect for many reasons, underwent a life changing event. And while I have many feelings, many thoughts, many reactions to what happened and what continues to happen, I am going to let her statement stand alone. This is her victim's impact statement. She read it in court. She has shared it with friends. She has made public her pain and her strength. And she gave permission for it to be shared further (minus a name). But frankly, she speaks with a voice that could be so many people, and gives so many women a voice where they may have none. So here is a victim's impact statement:
For me, crimes like this come down to one singular
word- choice. Due to the choices made by my assailants, my life has
been permanently changed. I was not given the choice to not have my life
threatened and my body used as a plaything. I was not given the choice
to not worry that I was going to wind up dead with no way for my family
to find and identify me. I was not allowed to choose whether I wanted
these men to penetrate me repeatedly and simultaneously in the back seat
of a stolen car for an hour while they attempted to steal my money. I
could not choose to not be thrown from a moving car. My choices were
taken from me the moment that these men chose to enact this vicious,
thoughtless, and demeaning crime upon me.
I am still dealing
with the consequences of their choices. I involuntarily have nightmares
about my ordeal. Despite my desire to be able to feel the freedom to be
out in public with strangers, I often cannot manage simple tasks such as
getting gas or groceries on my own without experiencing debilitating
panic attacks. The financial burden on my partner and I was certainly
not something we would have chosen. Both of us would very much like to
have been able to continue work, but that is not what happens when your
choices are taken from you. Instead, I spent months not working and am
still only working on a part-time basis. My partner has taken time off
to help me, as well as deal with the trauma this has caused him, which
has caused him to be on the verge of being let go from his job. I spend
my time in a constant state of concern and fear. My family and friends
spend their time in a constant state of concern. I doubt that anyone
would choose to feel this way. My current existence is entirely based on
reactions to other peoples’ desires, rather than action towards my own.
Eventually, I will regain my choices. While the defendant’s
choices will inform the course of my life forever, I will not let them
permanently define the type of life I choose to lead. They chose poorly
when they chose to rape me; I refuse to let their choices take away the
endless possibilities that stand before me. While the defendant took my
feelings of safety, of security, and of home from me, he cannot take my
determination to not let his choices limit mine.
With all of
that said, your choices have impact that far exceeds my personal
struggles. Crimes such as this add to the lack of choices that women
everywhere feel. Women are inhibited by the very concept that they do
not have the freedom to choose to live their lives however they please
without concern of being attacked. Women live in a constant state of
vigilance, fueled by tales told to them about violence perpetrated
against women. Women are raised to not trust, not walk alone, never go
on a date without calling a friend before and after, and never leave a
drink alone at a table. Women are taught to live in a world of nots,
don’ts, can’ts, and shouldn’ts because of people like the defendant, who
feel that their choices supersede the rights of the women they assault.
At a time where women are trying desperately to hold on to the progress
they have made to choose the course of their own lives, it is
unconscionable that young men such as the defendant continue to plague
our society with a continued commitment to violence against women.
Today, I am the one making the choices. I am choosing to stand here and
make my voice and my story heard in the hope that it can be a small step
towards making a difference.
