My Eyeballs Hurt

It's been a week of ups and downs... Lots of them... all over... and it's hard to say what I think about them because there hasn't been the time to think, except about USMLE High Yield stuff.

For starters, Friday was my baby bro's birthday. He flinches every time I call him my baby brother, so I like to do it as much as possible. But for the record, he's 23 now... what a geezer. Kidding. He's awesome. We didn't really "do" much for his birthday, but we had all 6 Larkins in one room for a meal, and that happens so rarely now. Plus it was great food, and good humor. Unfortunately, I can't repeat things that were said. Either they're too dirty, they're too non-PC, or they name names and that's just wrong. But it was an amusing dinner/drinks.

Jesse was in town (I think he leaves tomorrow), and we went out to dinner to catch up. I feel like I dominated the conversation a little (small side-effect of sitting with books all day and talking to no one... I become more of a chatter box than normal). Jesse's now engaged (I'm super excited for him, because Nora-from what I've seen of her-is great!) and planning the wedding while getting ready to start up a Masters program. Some of my friends are so cool.

Marathon Week #9: 8/18-8/24
Well. Hm. I missed the long run again this week. This is getting annoying. But, I'm cutting myself some slack. I can do hour and a half long runs, but if I'm giving up 3+ hours, it starts to stress me out (see the USMLE below). Plus, Sunday morning was rough. I'm not going to say I was hung over, because there wasn't enough alcohol to do that. But between the lamb (I don't eat red meat all that often), the potato, the garlic veggies (I'm mildly allergic to garlic... but it tastes SO good), the beer, the wine, and the really really sweet cake... I had like a long-running food coma. I was in no shape to run at 7am. Especially not a 12 miler.

I did hit every other run I was supposed to do this week, plus my two days of lifting, and two days of yoga. I changed my run schedule to right when I get up (between 6:45 and 7:15 every morning). It gets me revved up for the day, and I can sit for about four hours after on a nice little study binge. Plus, a spoonful of peanut butter gets me through the run and I can have a big bowl of fruit and cereal when I get home. It works better with my eating and my studying, so I'm going to stick to it. I may take a light jog the morning of the test too... just for the heck of it.

If it really is week 9 (and I'll have to check to make sure that's correct), I have another 9 weeks before the marathon... which sounds right. That's enough time to get my long runs going after the big test day. So I'm sticking with that idea for now. I think a lot will depend on how I work out running with whatever my schedule is at RCSI. But I'm going to keep it on the horizon.

USMLE Update:
This is where I had my worst swings. I took my second NBME, and failed it. I just passed the first and just failed the second. I freaked out. Really really freaked out. (Big thank you to Lianne for being the ever wonderful voice of reason). As a result, I amped up my studying. I'm running about 7 hours of productive studying each day (and maybe an hour more that's a complete waste). It's hard to sit still that long. It's hard to read that much. It's hard to write notes that often (It's how I learn... it's slow and stupid but it's how I learn). But, I'm getting further every day. I turned around and creamed three Kaplan quizzes in a row. Like, killed them. To which I say, WTF?

It's all rumors and conjecture. Who knows what you'll see on the test, how it will be worded, how you'll understand it at the time. But, I've been keeping track of a few things. 1) my overall % is going up. 2) my tests are consistently better. 3) I'm taking more of the alloted time to do the tests. 4) I've stopped changing answers (this was the worst.). Plus, I'm getting the hang of the software. I take a 3rd NBME tomorrow. Depending on how it goes, I'm giving myself Saturday off. I won't make it to the test on this schedule without a day off. It's good to know. I think I'll go see a movie with my mom.

Speaking of the test day, I've pushed that back. It was originally set for August 29th. After my freak out, i moved the test. It's not Sept 9th. It's still before the ND v. Mich game, but it gave me a two week extension that has already been to my advantage. We'll see how I'm feeling next week on this.

Summer Soundtrack:

1. Life in a Nutshell - Barenaked Ladies
2. Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne
3. How Far We've Come - Matchbox Twenty
   
4. In Da Club - 50 cent
5. Handlebars - Flobots
   
6. When I Grow Up - Pussycay Dolls
   
7. Time to Pretend - MGMT
   
8. Vampire Weekend - A-Punk
9. Troublemaker - Weezer (I don't know why this song inspires me, but it does. It makes me laugh, and right now, that's what I need. So, week 9 = troublemaker)
   

WTF?

Hi Friends,

So, I've been MIA for the last 2 weekly posts and a day late on this one... Wtf, right? It's simple, I'm slowly going insane. This has to do with a combination of studying, friends being in town, friends leaving town, me leaving town, studying, trying to get my address changed on every legal document required, studying, stuff for Surg Soc, running, studying... sigh. Needless to say it wasn't all bad.

First, I went out to Taylor Falls (WI) to hang out with Lydia, her friend Sarah, her brother, and the dog up at the cabin. It was a great afternoon/evening/morning of relaxation away from my books... I only brought one with me (it was hard). But we went boating and the weather was perfect for it. We had a huge dinner of just about everything, where everyone made something to contribute, and then just chilled for the night. I got up earlier than everyone else and decided to take the dog for a run with me (4 miles... and the dog put me to shame!). We had coffee and breakfast at a local coffee shop and headed back to the TC. It was a short trip, but it was fun.

Em got back in town just before I got back from Wisconsin. I love hanging out with Em. Actually, it was with Em and Kurt (I sort of assume it's the two of them together) for boating and dinner and catching up on life. I sometimes worry about hanging out with couples (it's getting to be that time in my life where there are about as many couples as singles), but Em and Kurt are so much fun to be around, and I've never felt like a third wheel with them. I think it comes from a certain level of comfort with each other that puts everyone else at ease. Regardless, I'm never worried that I'm going to say something that will spark an argument... and that's saying a lot considering how much time my foot spends in my mouth.

I drove out to Chicago (yes, again). It turns out that Chicago is about halfway between Minneapolis and Saginaw, which is where Aidan is spending his summer. It also turns out that the "Empire Builder" line that runs between Chicago and Mpls is extremely popular (perhaps due to the upcoming Republican Convention) and was sold out. So, Lydia and I drove our little butts out there... made record-breaking poor time in the process. It only took five hours or so to get to O'Hare airport, but due to both the Chisox and Cubbies playing home games at 7pm, it took three hours to get from O'Hare to the South Loop (most of which, I'd thrown my car in neutral and coasted, and I got off 94/90 asap and onto Halstead... which was remarkably fast at 30mph). It was a long drive. BUT Pete ordered Lou's Pizza before I got there and we ate fabulous deep dish for dinner. And again, Pete is awesome and let me crash in his apartment with little to no prior notice.

We drove back to MN the very next day, heavy one goofy Irish dude, whom we subjected to steak sandwiches in Chicago before heading west. I should comment that Aidan's train was roughly an hour late getting in, but I bought myself a Runner's World magazine to keep me entertained in the mean time. When we got back to MN, we rolled into the townhouse to meet Em, Kurt, Hayes and my older bro to watch the UFC fights that were going on at the Target Center (a mere 10 minutes from the house). It was much more fun than I thought it would be (which we've decided is due to amusement of watching in a group).

While Aidan was in MN, he made every effort to see that I kept studying, and I made just about every effort not to, which ended up with me studying when I got up in the morning (I'm an early riser) and most afternoons. The highlight of Aidan's stay (most amusingly) was the Irish Fair. I try to get there if I'm home, and the weather was fantastic. The review of a real Irish person: "It's a bit of pride, a little stroke, and a bit of shame... I'm not sure which one is winning out." I just find amusement in what some people consider "Irish." But I caught a little of my old dance school hardshoeing on the main stage, and we watched a Rugby exhibition. So... good times. Em and Kurt had us over for one evening to watch a bit of the Olympics and a little hottubbing... which ended up in a midnight swim in the Mississippi (it had to happen, and now Aidan can talk about the one time he went swimming in the Mississippi River).

Lydia and I hung out a few more nights, chilled, watched the Olympics, partook in Galaxy pizza (these guys deliver the pizza in these mini-scooter/cars dressed up like superheros... amazing!) and caught up on life. Lydia just left town. So the number of people I socialize with here in MN is dwindling... which is probably good, because now I have nothing to do but study (and attack my mile long To-Do list). But Hayes is here and so is Bill... so when I get really crazy, there are people to bring me back to reality (thank goodness).

I just saw "Pineapple Express" last night... um... HILARIOUS! And I had the distinct impression that the movie would have been even more amusing if I had been high... except, I felt high for most of it, which may have been the point, so maybe being high would have made it more serious... I don't know. Anyone been to see it high? More amusing, I was at the 5:45 showing... the one that followed the 4:20 showing... I'm not sure I'd fit in with the crowd that attends that one.

Now, all I have on the horizon is more studying, more running, more studying, Jesse being in town, the MN State Fair (something everyone should experience), some more studying, and the USMLE.

Marathon Week #8: 8/11-8/17
This week was rough, friends. I should have registered for the marathon at the end of this week. I was gunning for a 16-miler on Sunday. Things don't always go as planned. Now, I'm seriously wondering if I'll be able to run Dublin. And it boils down to a few very serious factors.

First, I was lazy in my running early this week. I suck at running when I'm on the road (traveling, not literally on a road). So I missed my Sat and Sun runs when I was in Chicago... I could have done the Sat in the morning, but I passed it up in favor of getting a much needed pedicure. And while I lifted and cross-trained when Aidan was in town, I didn't do my runs. It's entirely my fault. I'm just bad at prioritizing running sometimes. This makes me worry about what happens when I get back to Dublin... If I'll be able to keep up the miles I need in the month before the race.

Second, I haven't been hitting my long runs. I'm excellent on my short runs and good on the mid-distances. But the long runs are coming up short. Either the heat gets to me or I just wear down too fast. Twice now I've had my body shut down a bit past 10 miles... And, while it wasn't anything like I couldn't walk, it's still frustrating and disconcerting. I have to keep reminding myself of how hard it was the first time around, and that I'm not twenty anymore. I definitely don't recover as quickly.

Third, and please don't freak out over this, yesterday I had a particularly bad experience in my long run. I was aiming for 16 miles, and pulled up short at 13 with chest pain. No, it wasn't a heart attack, or angina, or anything like that. But I'll tell you, that all passed through my mind and I managed to pitch myself into a little panic attack. (I hate panic attacks, I rarely have them, but if you don't know what they're like... they're horrible and they do nothing to calm you down when you have chest pain)... The pain was actually a cramp in my right pec muscle, or teres, or something, don't argue with me on this. Regardless of which muscle it was, the point is that it cramped up (probably because of the knots in my shoulder and neck muscles) and it really, REALLY aggravated the still healing break in my rib. I've been trying to rebuild the muscle I lost after breaking my ribs and every-so-often there's some pain involved. Bony pain is much different than angina pain, Trust me (I'm a doctor). But it still freaked me out. I had to walk and massage out the cramp while trying to get my breathing to return to normal. It scared the piss out me really... And I know it's going to make it hard for me to head out on the remaining long runs I have this summer.

Finally, and this is ridiculous, and I wish I didn't know myself this well, I'm scared. I'm scared of commitment. And I'm terrified of failure. The last time I tackled a marathon, I was out there with something to prove, but it had nothing to do with commitment and it was in attempt to overcome what I viewed as a serious and personal failure. And I was really really angry... I'm not angry anymore, and I'm not trying to run away from a failure (literally or figuratively), which means that it's all about whether or not I can perform. That's scary. Plus, the running is a huge commitment. I hate commitment; just ask any of my ex-boyfriends. I feel like I've already thrown so much into Medicine right now and made huge life decisions in that realm that another commitment is just too much. I know it's just a run. I do. But... this is what goes on in my head.

So... do I run Dublin? I dunno... we'll have to see. Anyone have any advice?

USMLE Update:
I've hacked away at a butt load of Cardio (stuff that I should have learned first year that I'm just understanding now... seriously, how did I pass first year?) and piecewise Immunology, Pharmacology, Embryology, and Biochem (ooh, my fav!). My scores on Kaplan are coming up, but I'm not sure it's coming up enough. I'll take another NBME tomorrow (I keep putting this #2 NBME off... enough!). But, friends, I think I've made the decision to put off the USMLE by 2 weeks. I know this goes against most advice, but it took so long for me to overcome the burnout of the Exams-OSCE combo that I only started being really productive recently. C'est La Vie. I know that it's only a test (and not the most important day in my medical career)... but it's a test that counts for a hell of a lot. I don't want to take it just to be stubborn and have to battle a poor score when looking for residencies. I wish I could just plug my brain into a computer and download all the information (ala Matrix)... that would be awesome. Sadly, it's not how it works. So... back to the book. Btw, I purchased Kaplan Med Essentials at the beginning of the summer. That book is brilliant. I'll be recommending it to many many people.

Summer Soundtrack: (and this is making up for the missing weeks)

1. Life in a Nutshell - Barenaked Ladies
2. Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne
3. How Far We've Come - Matchbox Twenty
   
4. In Da Club - 50 cent
5. Handlebars - Flobots
   
6. When I Grow Up - Pussycay Dolls (A little tribute to the fact that all this stupid studying is entirely my fault... Be careful what you wish for...)
7. Time to Pretend - MGMT (I'm loving this song. It's a summer anthem of sorts)
8. Vampire Weekend - A-Punk (and this isn't because Tom has put this in about three of his last five pod casts, it's because it's an awesome song and I've been rocking out to it for the past few weeks)

And that's all for this week... I'm back on schedule and will be posting next Sunday again.

Peace!